Friday, February 22, 2013

How to Get People to Do Things They Don't Want To


So, you're standing at the bottom of the stairs next to an escalator. Who wouldn't take the escalator? Well, what if it looked like this instead...



Piano Stairs


Give yourself a minute to look at the above picture again. It hasn't been PhotoShopped or manipulated in any other way. This is actually what it looks like. In fact, there's a great video on how and why they did this:
The Fun Theory is a project that has taken to changing the way people think about the things that they either don't want to do or things we don't really think about.

For instance, does it drive you nuts how some drivers blast right on through a stop sign? Well, one inventor suggests creating signs with video screens that display interesting facts while you wait your turn, encouraging drivers to stop and make things safer.

Tired of the trash on your streets or sidewalks? Another poster detailed information on his design of a Plinko-like trash receptacle where the refuse is dropped in and the user gets to play a game.

Fed up with riders who get away without paying for their bus rides? One group came up with the idea of giving paying riders a lottery ticket along with their transfers.

The Fun Theory's site is filled with a wide range of ideas. Some of them are truly inventive – and needed – while others remind you of what that drunk guy in college came up with during a kegger (and they even post their “designs” on something resembling a napkin...yikers.)
I love this idea of turning drudgery into something fun. I'm the first to admit that I can be an adult baby when it comes to things society or even just my family would love for me to do. For instance, only 33% of us attempt to wash our hands after using a public bathroom (I'm not saying I do this, but statistically speaking, it's likely I've done it at least once, along with all of you). Only 16% use actual soap. Ga-rossss. However, there's a inventive team who came up with the idea of turning simple soap into a game. This Pavlovian-type system includes four colorful levers on the top of the sink. One of them contains soap, of course, but the others either beep, or moo, or produce lightweight bubbles. When you strike liquid gold, a small crowd erupts in applause and cheers.

Kids are targets, too, with a few ideas. When I was a kid, it drove me nuts every time my stepdad turned around in the car before he would pull out and yank on our seat belts to make sure we were in good and tight. Half the time, we had either locked the clasp wrong or didn't have the belt tight enough. With one new invention on the website, there are seat belts that double as game or video screens. When the belt is properly installed, the screen is activated, entertaining young minds with educational shows or games.

Personally, I love the idea of taking a positive spin and finding fun and inviting ways to ask people to do things they might not think to do or just don't want to do. I think we can all recall an incident or two when we were kids when our parents tried to get us to do something, but we pushed back or refused. Think if they'd taken one of these creative approaches. We might have gotten in the habit of turning off the water while brushing our teeth (one idea is to have a sink that "explodes" when you go over your time limit) or we might have recycled our used cans (one suggestion convinces passersby to drop them in and turn them into game tokens.)

In Berkeley, CA, there's an ever-changing playground called
Adventure Playground. It's a non-profit site where they take old boats or other leftover wood and allow the children to build their own massive forts and playhouses from the scraps. The key is that to participate, the children have to first either pick up ten pieces of trash or turn in five nails they've found on the ground. It works in two ways: 1) it keeps the place looking nice without adding additional help and 2) it teaches the kids that there's value for what they are getting (not to mention, it teaches them how to clean up without it seeming like it's the most horrible chore on the planet.)

The people at The Fun Theory are taking this idea and jacking it up a bit so that now the adults dig in and do the same.

Not all of the suggestions were about how to turn something that's a drudge into something delightful. Sometimes the suggestions were just fun in and of themselves. Like the slide stairs, pictured below:

(I saw this and thought "belated Christmas present to myself." Of course, knowing my house, it's more likely one of our cats would be sent down - unwillingly, mind you - before the screws were even set.)

This is a phenomenal movement towards encouraging people to do things they really ought to - like stopping at stop signs or quitting smoking - without shaking our fingers or making them feel bad. (and guilt only gets you so far. Just ask my grandma.) When it's made this fun, who wouldn't want to join in?

Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to wait for the UPS guy. I hear my slide is being delivered today and I have a cat to prepare.



copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have horribly mean cats; don't make me use them.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

How Big is Your God?

I've been holding my tongue for the past couple of months while the walls of a sturdy structure were demolished, quite surprisingly. I don't think I can do that anymore.

The majority of people who know me and know me well, they know I am a Buddhist. In being so, though, I don't proselytize. My opinion is that we each chose the religion we relate to best. I guess that's why I'm struggling now watching two dear ones struggle. I hear them talk of this great relationship they have with God, but somehow their God is suddenly too small to help them.

I want to shake both of them - and yes, I do mean both of them because it takes two to let something you both committed to with your whole heart fall apart. I want to let them see what those around them see. I want them to come off this ever-faster-spinning merry-go-round and stand where they are. Stand solid and see what the problems are, not in the haze of gossipy whispers. Not with the past hugging their backs and dragging them down. Not with the pressure of doing for everyone and forgetting to do for themselves, the core, the most sacred part. I want them to stand still and listen…to see what they are doing.

They are not young in their faith, so it astounds me that they both have thrown their hands in the air. I’ve heard them both talk lovingly of the grace of their God, of how refreshed they fill in his presence, and how he has saved them over and over.  I’ve seen them reach out with their hearts, to fill them when they cannot fill it themselves. I have seen it cover them like a blanket to hide under, to recover and repair, like a tent on a bed that is an island in a house.

But now, they are letting each other slip away…and they are letting the most impressionable ones watch them, thinking their actions are benign, not realizing how every move to break apart their family is a rip that scars. It will never heal the way you think it will. And it’s not in your hearts alone, but in the ones watching you.

Yes, they do this with all their children watching, too. They do this while they tell their children that their God can solve all things. They do things while they convince their children that no matter what the problem, their God can walk them through it. They do this while they say their God will never give them more than they can handle.

And I watch them turn their God...their faith... their beliefs into something so small...so tiny...that the heart of bird would be cavernous in comparison.

Too often I see people casually give up on marriage as if it really were like TV sitcoms where the family disappears for five minutes during commercials and suddenly everyone is forgiven, everything is solved. They believe the fairy tales and the story books, though they've invested enough time in a real relationship to know better. Those of us on the other side of that commitment know that even when the love seems waning, you do not give up. Even when your partner stops paddling and you are left to do all the work, you do not give up. Even when he reaches for the door and wants to walk out, you don't let his hand casually slip through yours.

It's a miracle when two people find each other. When the rough patches come, faith may be what holds you together until you reach for each other again. It is not my faith. But you said it was yours. And now you say your God is too small to help you. When did this happen? When did you let it happen?

I wish you would find your way home – both of you. If for no one else, even if not for each other, then for the children’s lives who you have taken into your care. Let them know that when you took each other’s hands and said you would stand there, for each other and eventually for them, that you meant it. Your God is bigger than both of you, if you will let him.

copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have horribly mean cats; don't make me use them.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Jeff McBride's Wonderground!




"And it gets harder and harder, Lorraine, to believe in magic,
When what came before you is so very tragic..." - partial lyric from Sweet Lorraine by Patti Griffin

About the only thing my parents ever did to encourage me was to sit through my god-awful magic shows I did as a kid. I would read up for days and weeks out of some 1940's library book on how to do some basic tricks and incredible illusions, and I would always go for the big illusions like making my younger sisters disappear or float in midair (which surprisingly never worked out exactly how the book said. True, it might have been because instead of building custom-made fake legs to fool the audience, I took a mop and a broom and stuck shoes on the ends...and not even matching shoes...no, sometimes there would be a flip flop and a Candies high-heel ...oh yes, I was a crafty one...fool them with my ineptness, that was my plan...)

After awhile I gave it up once I found the Nancy Drew section, which was coincidentally right next to the new cute junior librarian's new desk...not that that influenced me at all...

All these years later, I married a closeted magician who does most of his work using only his left hand (for those of you in the know - and I was not one of these - this apparently in very difficult....very, very difficult. Like so difficult, the DVDs to show how you do this START at $150 a piece...not that I was trying to buy some for a Christmas present or anything...) So, my closeted magician husband stumbled onto a monthly get-together here in town, geared at local magicians, some professional and some just needing professional help, and my husband was dying to get me down there.

Admittedly, when I first heard about this, I wasn't as enthusiastic about it as I was about the junior librarian, but I am nothing if not supportive of my spouse (I know, I know...caring, caring, sharing, sharing...blah, blah, blah, give me the award now...) I expected long capes, and mouth-breathing 40-somethings who still lived with Mom and were having a hard time finding work outside of the VideoRama and dates resembled something out or Lars and the Real Girl. However, I stumbled into something so much more unique.

When we first arrived (quite early, mind you), the place was already filling up and fast. The Olives, the restaurant and hookah lounge on East Sunset that plays host to this crazy event, has amazing areas that guests can reserve with drippy shimmering curtains and lanterns that cast yellow lights around you. They look just like large ancient Egyptian litters where the royalty that came in on them have just disappeared for a moment to get a little cherry vanilla puff off the coconut charcoaled leaves. The air is filled with the mullings of Mediterranean spices rather than the unwashed Berkeley dorm room patchouli I was expecting.

Jeff McBride, the host of Wonderground, met us at the entrance archway and quickly remembered my husband from past performances (my husband...wait, Jiminy Cricket... I can't keep referring to him as "my husband"... Not that I have so many that you might get him mixed up with my other ones, but it does make for some clunkiness...How about we just call him by his high school nickname for now? "Hoss"...no, seriously, that was his nickname {and, yes, seriously, he still likes it...}) Hoss giggled like a tween that Harry Styles had just friended on Facebook (for those of you who don't know who Harry Styles is, don't feel bad. I just had to ask my 12-year-old daughter which one he was after she corrected me for first writing "Justin Bieber." She explained he was on the outs and that would be wrong to include him..."Just so wrong, Mom...")

While we gorged on huge platters of hummus, baba ganoush, tabbouleh, falafels, etc., several magicians performed card tricks, cup and ball routines, and had little surprises (like the fellow who performed with his snake...at least, I'm assuming it was his... It's not like someone likely left it lying around in the parking lot hoping a magician might pass by and need a reptile in the next hour...)

We lucked out that that night was the annual International Wonderground. The first performer, Henry Vargas, set the tone and brought all his Brazilian charm to the stage with him, incorporating it into his overall performance and patter. Throughout, I kept elbowing Hoss to get him to tell me how they do the tricks and could he show me later. But he always says, "The first time is a trick; the second time is a lesson."

So, I guess that was a "no."

They must have thought it was Hoss' birthday because they called on him no less than FIVE times. Where magic is concerned, Hoss likes to stay in the audience, unless he's the performer. (he gave the night's best answer when the ventriloquist asked him how long we had been together, "Not long enough, sir.")

Jeff McBride is a scene stealer. This fellow, no matter if he's in a room of 10 people or 10,000, he thoroughly immerses himself in character of the story he's telling. At times, the only costume Mr. McBride donned was the microphone holder around his neck that he'd fashioned into a handlebar mustache. Don't understand what I'm talking about, then you have to see it for yourself.

There are two shows each time Wonderground comes around - the 8:00 and the 10:00. Come for the early one and just before the late show, you can quietly slip into the overflowing room in the back filled with legends who hold court for the younger performers who nervously shuffle decks for cards while waiting to be called up to the tiny green table in front. This is where the real magic takes places. This is close-up magic. This is where you can't hide anything. You can hear the murmurs as a youngster tries giving an old trick a new spin or you can watch as the audience collectively and disappointedly leans back in their chair once they've seen a trick go awry or the patter go on too long.

Afterwards, the volume is turned up on the performances on the main stage. Each performer ramps it up for the next one, and even when a ring goes flying the opposite direction of where it was intended or - as in Mr McBride's case, a pink rope just won't cooperate - it all appears amazing. Even the mistakes and mishaps work to the purpose of this collective event - to show the audience how difficult these tricks are even when they look so dang easy...kind of like ice skating.

There is art to what these illusionists attempt. They work alone for hours on end, pushing themselves past internal markers. They work hard to make it look easy. They examine how it's been done for years, sometimes decades, other times centuries, and they find ways to make it better, faster, more interesting, more engaging, and always more amazing. They make us suspend our disbelief and let go of the tragic. They make us believe it's quite possible there is magic. And I'll take that any day of the week.

copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have horribly mean cats; don't make me use them.

I'm Writing for ESPN!

For those curious, I've been writing for the ESPN 1100 and 98.9 Las Vegas radio blog.

Take a peek and see what you think: ESPN 1100 & 98.9 Blog

Yeah, I know... me writing about sports. Nothing funnier...


copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have horribly mean cats; don't make me use them.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Evolution...

So, I had an amazing response to my second sculpture, so I thought I should post the first one and get some input from everyone. There's something not quite right about it - to me. Tell me what you think. This one is called Evolution.

I should have pictures of the new one in a few days.









copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have horribly mean cats; don't make me use them.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

For now...but only for now...

The clock is ticking. I promised this would be the year. I pat myself on the back when I finally input 4300 words several days ago, but then can't find time to do another 4300 and another 4300.

I want to believe I'll finish it this year. I want to believe that what I consider to be important, not just for me but for many people in my situation, that this will make it worth finishing. Why can't I make myself?

So, for now, I seem to be in a holding pattern, wanting so much to finish so I can move onto the next thing, but not being able to let go until this thing is perfect.

Any ideas are welcome... I can't say I won't scoff at them or nod my head then not put them to use, but I can try, just like anyone else. I can try.



Tomorrow, I finish a sculpture due for the appropriately titled, "Sculpture" class. I have hesitated telling people what it is until they see it because, as I tell them, I don't want to influence their critiques. I'm hoping to post a picture of it when I finish tomorrow.


copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have horribly mean cats; don't make me use them.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Flying and The Thud

It's been months of scattered sleep.

It's been weeks of waking in sweat.

It's been days, touching without connection.

I heard of a condition, this woman comes to the doctor asking if what is happening at that moment is real. The string that kept her tethered to this world has dissipated, disintegrated as she went about living. She felt like the pink balloon at a child's party, her string cut, drifting in the puffy clouds. She asked him if she was already dead because she wasn't sure, having never been dead previously.

These drugs, this disease, it turns me into something so wrapped up and insulated that I can't feel much anymore. The godsend is that the gripping and crippling depression that would creep into my bed with me while I slept and would hold my throat between its fingers went I woke, it's gone. My ties to it have threaded and we have become estranged. The horrible part is feeling devoid of all the glorious ecstaticism that existed in equal doses. The flying and the thud.

For weeks, I have moved forward, mostly out of competitiveness. The last string that tied me to soil unraveled between my fingers and suddenly I was free, but I floated nowhere. The worst of it was to go back to being poor again, unable to help those who need us, unable to help ourselves. The best part was no longer being able to buy my way out of a bad mood.

The first few days after this all began, I corralled my roommate and my son into the backyard and made hard work of things I convinced myself needed to be done - moving large rocks, tearing up hard soil, breaking my already broken back. I dug and dug until the light went out of the sky.

Weeks went by, and I started replanting, but without conviction. If it lived, it lived. If it died, it was replaced. I bought plants on their deathbeds, marked down for mere pennies, their color drained. I brought them home like rescue puppies, in equal abundance. Our watering system had long been broken by an incompetent landscaper so anything that went into the ground went with a roll of the dice.

Without thinking, I went one day and bought the few things that required me to learn more about what was buried underneath the top layer of immobile clay and unforgiving rocks. I learned where things snaked and I figured out how to repair what I did not understand. But as luck is a funny girl, I found an unfixable leak that flooded and took all the power away from everything that had been repaired. Almost no watering outlet worked just because of this one injury to the line.

I looked up different ways to fix it, all requiring drastic measures - a cut that once done, if not repaired exactly right, would damage everything and cause all the previous work to be for nothing.

I measured what was in the ground. I stood in aisles pondering over the correct materials. I scoped my options if it did not work. I did not prepare for if it did.

After sitting with the problem, watching it waste what little resources we had to keep everything else alive and going, I finally made the brutal cut. There was no way to turn back.

After only a few moments of replacing, adjusting, testing, and readjusting, the leak had disappeared. All the water flowed perfectly.

Every day since, I go out at night in my bare feet. I walk my small garden, from the front with honeysuckle, the sides with the struggling hibiscus, the back with the pink-leafed bougainvillea. I can see the thing I am carving out of air, carving with their vines and flowers. I can see the home that will be after we are gone, after another house struggles under our footsteps and weight to become our home.






copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Dead Bunnies Wake Up a Sleeping Giant

It's been months since I last wrote on here, but not the since I last wrote in general.

The other thing is I've started doing my artwork again. Whoo-hoo! So I'm shooting to get into the October 5, 2012, First Friday event in downtown Las Vegas. I'll post if I get in so everyone can come down. I'll be setting up an etsy site, too, with some interesting new wearable artwork. Some of the artwork lends itself more towards tattoo art, so if anyone has any idea how to generate income from that without actually doing tattoos, let me know.

Also, I ended up getting into the recording studio and finally doing a few new tunes. I'll post them here as soon as I can. I think I have to post them as a video, so that might be, um, interesting. I think Ill be channelling Celine Dion without missing concert dates because (cough, cough) I'm ill.

I'm working on a new piece, hoping I can get it up here soon. It's called "The Dead Bunnies of Hitler's Regime"...and, yes, there's a story about the title.


My husband and I were driving home one afternoon, and we saw a smushed bunny in the middle of the road. I said, "I used to get so upset about seeing the little dead rabbits, but as a Buddhist, I starting thinking of it as if it were someone who was a really bad person - like Hitler - who'd been reincarnated as a furry rabbit who gets run over, over and over."

As we drive down the road, we kept seeing more dead rabbits in the road (with all the newly built houses in our area, the coyotes have taken off for Fiji, leaving the rabbits to multiply like...rabbits.) As we passed yet another one, I said, "Must be another one of the dead bunnies of Hitler's regime. "...and a title was born...only to get run over by a semi two seconds later.


But that's for later.... Hold your breath, your questions, and we'll get this thing in motion again.  Thanks for making this worth it.


copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I meant it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Final Frontier...

Lightning Bug became my final piece that I submitted for the writing class. I added 50% more, so there's more meat to it, for sure. The first go-around, I was only allowed 4-5 pages (on some people's computers, it turned out to be 6 pages... yeah and their scales probably say I weigh 460 lbs...)

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy and comment away:


Lightning Bug
Firefly.
Lampyrid.
I liked that one best - noctiluca. I found it in the encyclopedia Mama brought home from the Piggly Wiggly that a lady paid for with S & H green stamps but never picked up (Mama only got A through L because that’s all the lady had ordered, but she promised me she’d get the rest someday.)
The book said in Latin that’s what they called them, noctiluca. It sounded like castanets when I said it aloud, but I preferred lightning bug. The colloquialism made me think of the luminous glow in their bellies, flickering in the dark. (Colloquialism was the section I found on language, just before the encyclopedia ran out, but Daddy says to quit using it ‘cause it sounded nasty.)
Our front yard back in Pearl, Mississippi, was filled with lightning bugs. When I was little, I thought they were invisible during the day, hidden by the sunlight like fairies, revealing themselves when the sun disappeared behind the hill’s edge. I’m eleven now, so I know better. Now I know they sleep during the day; and at night, after they stretch and wake up, they go to look for dates, much like my Uncle Rudy.
After the sun dims in our neighborhood and the yellowed living room lights seep out onto the roads, the steps in front of the clapboard houses crowd with mothers. They sit with their daughters between their legs, untangling their daughter’s long hair with their fingers and the local gossip with their tongues. 
Mama likes to sit with the ladies, sometimes messing with either of my sisters’ hair. Both Lou Ann and Amy still had flowing strands that cascaded down their backs. Mine was short and bobbed, making me look more like a boy to all my classmates.
I used to have long braids on each side of my head, but one night I stumbled into the bathroom and didn’t see one of my braids had ended up wet until it was too late. Mama chopped my hair off rather than, “…let you end up with typhoid.” I didn’t want to tell her that the encyclopedia said I’d have to ingest the toilet water for me to get sick.
I told anyone who asked that I cut it off because I was going to be a scientist when I grew up and it didn’t make sense to let it catch on fire in a Bunsen burner. I tossed my head at my sisters, them trapped between Mama’s knees, showing off how I got to run and play while Mama dug deep into their scalps with her Barbasol-dipped brushes. I liked it better chasing the lightning bugs with my cat, Brown Kitty, than listening to stories and having my head pulled raw by combs.
Once in awhile, a lightning bug would fly into my hand. For one moment, I would watch its tail light, the glow luminously lighting my own hand where it landed. I got so excited, cupping my hands around the lightning bug, feeling it flutter lightly against my palms. Over and over I would do this, feeling the lighting bug land calmly, getting so excited when it realized it was trapped, how frantic it became, not knowing I had no intention of hurting it ever. When the ache of holding one prisoner for too long tugged at me, I opened my fingers and let the lightning bug flutter clumsily away.
It was two months since we left Pearl and our pretty front yard, having been skirted away in a 1959 Ford van Daddy bought from Mr. Humphreys. He told Daddy the shift was on the column, but that it could pull stumps out like no ox ever could. And it was a good thing, seeing as Mama never could bring herself to get rid of half of the things she bought. Grandpa and Daddy hooked up a rented trailer to the van’s hitch, both taking turns to cuss out my mother’s frugalness, then turning to smile gently when she approached, arms loaded with sweet tea and Girl Scout cookies.
In the near dead of night, we set off for Hot Springs, Arkansas, exhausted from packing and crying good-byes. It was to be the first time we had ever lived more than 10 miles away from Grandpa and Grandma and I wasn’t quite sure we’d find our way back in a timely manner. Mama and Daddy promised we’d still all go to Florida later that summer with them; my Aunt Lavetta; her toy poodle, Punkin; and Uncle Rudy and his latest girl. (They didn’t add that last part, but I knew as sure as Uncle Rudy’d be smoking his cigars, he’d have some teased-haired woman from Branson on his arm if he could stand up straight long enough to ask her.)
The ride to our new town was simpler than I expected. The trailer swayed back in forth on the road, forcing Daddy to drive with two hands the whole time. Summer was easing into its middle, causing my sisters and me to sweat profusely while we slept in the back seats, even with all the windows rolled down. I was the only one who didn’t mind leaving; the only one who didn’t have someone other than family to see them off.


Hot Springs National Park was considered a thriving tourist town. Ladies in bathing suits and sunglasses in the hotel lobbies; men in three-piece suits, fanning themselves in the air-conditioned insides of the auction houses; shopkeepers filling their cases with horehound sugar sticks and cedar souvenirs, marking them all with a “Hot Springs, Ark. – The Natural State” stamp, a keepsake for every budget.
It had been like this for centuries, bringing in Frank and Jesse James to rob the Northerners on the trains when they came to town to rest and play the horses. Even Al Capone and his gang came down for a summer, holed up in the Arlington Hotel when their rival gang checked into the hotel across the street. Al and the other fellow meet in the middle of the street and shook hands, saying how there wouldn’t be any fighting on account of everyone being on vacation.
But for me, it was just one long day that was so hot and humid, that as soon as I stepped outside, it felt like I was walking through mud with a blow dryer on my face. Some days, I took my bike down to the Piggly Wiggly to trade in bottles so I could buy sheet music down at the piano store, but no matter what time I went, the streets were deserted like I had walked out in the middle of “The Andromeda Strain” (which Daddy let me watch with him the other night when Mama went to go to the new neighborlady’s house to play Hearts. She was always making friends so easy like that while me and Daddy stayed at home watching Andy Griffith reruns.)
At night, I went to play with the lightening bugs, but the heat kept them hibernating in their own homes, the humidity too heavy on their wings. I had only seen one or two since we moved and didn’t even dare catch them for fear of harming them. So few had appeared in our time there, I half thought I’d have to write to President Ford to see about getting them on the Endangered Species list.
I was thrilled when after months of either playing alone or sitting watching Perry Mason reruns, Mama announced we’d be starting school two weeks earlier than back home. She said when she went to register us, the superintendent told her it was because of the roofers.
“These men,” he said, taking a puff on his Marlboro, “they cain’t work the tar once the devil has gotten in the wind. The air’ll burn ‘em when it touches them. Tar’ll do worse. Get ‘em in here earlier, I say, and the children don’t got to smell it neither.”


School was my most favorite thing in the entire world. I could barely sleep nights before a test, not from fear, but from excitement, the sheer pleasure of handling the freshly mimeographed pages, smelling their sweet ink in the air and feeling the dampness of the pages, and then looking down the pages at all the questions lined up in rows.
When my old teacher, Mrs. Robinson, assigned us fifth graders a project of selecting a country and then presenting it, most of my classmates showed up with discarded shoeboxes filled with cutouts from their mothers’ Good Housekeeping magazines. I had carefully selected Italy and spent the prior three weeks shaping a dome to mimic the cathedral foyer I read in the section on Caravaggio, holding myself nearly upside down to paint the interior with the cobalt blue I bought over at the Ben Franklin store.
I used gold for the fleur-de-lis I painted on the ceiling, fresh sprigs of rosemary to imitate the decorative bushes in the foyer, and then I rigged Daddy’s leftover tiny, white Christmas lights to look like sconces near the alter. I turned the lights off in the room when I presented my diorama that Friday, and had borrowed my cousin Kyle’s Walkman so I could play Pavarotti singing like he would be in my chapel.
The room was quiet and chilled, even after I turned the lights back on. Nobody in the room would talk to me, not even Mrs. Robinson. Kim Crittenden whispered behind her hand to Christy Whittington and I heard the word brownnoser behind her fingers. I wiped my face, just in case.
It wasn’t the first time the room got quiet after I was done, but I didn’t mind. I was used to sitting by myself at lunch. Sometimes, I’d sit with June Connell, who nobody – not even the girl with purple fingers that everybody teases and says she has lice – would sit with June. But even that tapered off after awhile and I began eating my bologna sandwiches alone while I reread the outside of my Partridge Family lunch box.
Still, I loved school. I loved hearing Mr. Stiles, our principal, announce my name first when he called out the scores for the state tests or every six weeks when report cards came out. Mama would pat my head when I showed her and dig into the back of the freezer for a drumstick ice cream just for me.


Mama took me, Lou Ann, and Amy over to Little Rock to pick out new school dresses. She said, “Hot Springs don’t have nothing that nice girls can wear outside a they front yards. We just have to find the next big town over.”
And Little Rock was the biggest - four Sears, two JC Penney’s, and a full 2-story mall just like they had in the movies with its own Swenson’s and Casa Bonita.
Hours later, we emerged with white crisp bags full of dresses, tights, and slightly-high heeled shoes that tapped like dance shoes while I walked. My favorite dress was the creamy colored one with bright red cherries all over it that Mama found for me hidden in the size 8s. When I turned around to show Mama how I looked, the skirt lifted up and made me look like a ballerina in the mirror. I made sure I carried that bag all around the mall and kept it with me the whole two hour drive home, rather than let it sit in the trunk and get car fumes all over it.
“This year will be different, girls,” Mama said to the three of us. “Won’t it, Grace?”
“Yes, Mama,” I replied happily.
“We’ll get you some friends for sure,” she said more quietly, but she looked in the rear view mirror at me and smiled.
“Yes, Mama,” I replied hesitantly.


The night before school started, I tossed and turned, excited to wear my new dress and use my new supplies. Fresh pencils have such a fine sharpness that makes my signature look even more daring and creative. It irritated me to no end when one broke, especially during a test when I was concentrating hard. Every time, I’d be forced to walk to the back of the class, being watched as I was, listening to the snickering behind the boys’ hands, a slight push as I went by.
One time, right after pep club started, Mama spent the night before making my gorgeous regulation gold puffed sleeved shirt. I had worn it that morning in spite of having a test because there was a pep rally after school. I had gotten up to sharpen my pencil and on my way back, I saw Kim Crittenden whispering to Mark Bailey. Before I could figure out what she was saying, Mark’s foot went right out into my path. I came down hard on the floor. Kim rushed to help, she said later, but instead she jabbed my elbow hard. Normally, it wouldn’t have mattered, but Kim knew I was harboring a large scab under the silky golden fabric, a scab she put there just the week before, a scab that easily came loose, causing blood to ooze out and permanently stain the elbows of the shirt. I sat in my seat, in front of Kim and Mark, making sure to wipe my tears only when I could make it look like I was scratching an itch.
I didn’t want Mama to see the stain after all her hard work so I lied and said I didn’t like pep club afterall and I quit.
I laid in my bed remembering, looking over at the fresh white plastic bag on my new dress. They were going to ruin it, I just knew it. I got up and took it out, pulled it over my sunburnt face. I wanted one chance to wear it before they messed it up.
I stood in front of the mirror, turning from one side to the next, the cherries dancing even in the pale light. I smiled as it shimmered as I turned. But then I saw how my belly pudged out just a little, making me look fat and round. I saw the choppy haircut the girl from the beauty college had given me, taking the shine and bounciness out of my face. I could see the wrinkles under my eyes that had been there since I was a baby, always making me look a little older. I could see what they saw, Kim and all the rest. “No wonder,” I whispered. They had ruined my dress and I hadn’t even worn it yet.
I nearly tore the dress off, leaving it in a crumble on the floor. I fell back into my bed, my fresh pillow now burning against my cheek, fresh tears collecting on the pillowcase. I fell asleep without dreaming about my new crisp folder or my scented notebook paper or my brand new cherry dress.


The next day, Mama made me wear the dress after she picked it up off the floor, “Must have fallen in the night,” she said, dismissing any other possible reason. “None of them kids’ll notice the wrinkles.”
I shuffled through the morning silently, going from the office to get my New Student cards then going to each office to drop them off. When I came to my new sixth grade teacher’s room - Mrs. Hart – she had already started by having the whole class get up individually to introduce ourselves to each other by coming to the front of the class.
When Mrs. Hart leaned over to talk to me, I saw the boys in the class try to look up her dress. She was still young and wore a one-piece mini dress that came just above her knees, just like the girls on Charlie’s Angels. Her Love’s Baby Soft perfume floated around me as she told me quietly to sit in the back row. When she turned back to the class, they all quickly turned their attention to a little shiny-haired girl who talking about her summer at Springdale church camp.
Everyone took turns talking about themselves, and as each one came up, the others would make jokes or say their names in funny ways, the way they had for all the years they had known each other. I was the only one in the room who had not been in kindergarten up until now with the same children.
Mrs. Hart called me to the front and I hesitated. I had never not done something a teacher asked me to do.
“Don’t be shy,” she said warmly. “Everybody here’s your friend.” I figured she must be very young if she believed that.
When I stood at the front of the class, they were all silent, listening intently. I saw the shiny-haired girl, called Savannah, lean in to whisper to the boy named Elmer. When she pulled back, I saw her smile at me.
I started slow, talking about back home and school, but after awhile I forgot where I was and I started telling them all about my piano and Brown Kitty.
When I finished and started to pass by Savannah’s desk to reach mine, my whole body tensed and prepared for the fall. Instead, she reached forward with a fresh pencil, offering me one of hers with butterflies on it. “I like your dress,” she whispered. “I think the butterflies would look nice with them.”
When lunch came, a small group filtered out and crowded around me, asking me one smiling question after another, so curious about this place so far away, farther than they had ever been. A few of the boys looked on with curious gazes; others nodded with seemingly knowing and understanding nods, as if they knew exactly where I was talking about and that we were compatriots in our great travels of the world.
After school, we all clamored together, teasing and tickling as we walked through our new neighborhood. When we came to our house first, Mama seemed surprised but she recovered quickly and asked would “Miss Savannah” like to join us for dinner. She did indeed and went inside to call her mother, who was only too delighted to have one less person for her maid, Elsie, to cook for.
Mama made me change and gave Savannah one of Lou Ann’s old dresses to play in. We ran around my new front yard while Mama cooked dinner and Amy and Lou Ann argued over whose hair was longer. Savannah ran her pudgy fingers through my bob and said, “I like yours better. Looks like an ice skater.” I mentally made a note to see if I could be both a scientist and an ice skater.
Daddy got home and Mama called us in for supper and root beer ice cream, Savannah went back outside in the oncoming dark to wear a new path in our new yard. We pulled out my sisters’ Barbie cases and played with their Wal-Mart dolls, playing fairyland in our bushes.
As the sun dipped below the hang of the trees, three lighting bugs appeared, twinkling under the weeping willow. Excitedly, I pulled Savannah over to watch. I didn’t dare touch them myself, but Savannah easily put out her fingers and let one light on her fingertips. I watched her and then finally did the same.
I peeked inside and watched the lightning bug lighting the inside of my hand, turning it pink. I hadn’t seen one up close since we left Pearl. I smiled, wanting to tickle his belly. As I watched, I saw my lighting bug start to become agitated. I was just about to let him go, when Savannah said, “Wanna see something neat?”
Suddenly, she took a hold of her lightning bug between two fingers and dragged its tail across her shirt, leaving an iridescent trail. She looked at me, smiling, the remnants of her bug in her hand. “See, isn’t it pretty?”
I smiled back weakly, feeling my lightning bug clamoring against the bars of my fingers. I picked him up by his thorax, shaking. Looking at Savannah, I dragged his body against my shirt, leaving a shimmering trail behind. I quickly dropped the remainder and looked down at my belly, all beautiful and lit now, already beginning to fade.
I smiled at Savannah and she returned it, all big and loopy and giddy. She grabbed my hand and off we ran into the bushes, into fairyland.




copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I mean it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Hello Latvia!



Hello Latvia! I just saw we have several more unofficial views from this great country that I, coincidentally enough, almost ended up living in.

Way back when the 90's were on the wane, I got an offer for a job where I would spend 6 months of the year in Riga. The company had recently bought a small company there and wanted to maintain it, but change it a bit. This was apparently a huge problem, as (according to the people I interview with) the people thought of their co-workers as family. They didn't like to have people unceremoniously fired or laid off as we Americans were getting in the habit of doing.



In the end, the idea of being forced to fly every six months was a deal breaker for me. At the time, I hadn't discovered my true flying friend, Xanax, which meant every six months, I was definitely going to have a breakdown. Either I was going to have to learn to fly my own plane or me and Diana Nyad were going to become swimming buddies. (look it up...it's on wikipedia.)

Anyway, a great welcome to those of you have just joined our program. We are happily sponsored by no one and hope to continue that glorious tradition!

I would very much like to visit your great country. Maybe once the new book is done and I can come to write about you.

Wikipedia's version of Latvia


copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I meant it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Lions at the Door; Ants in the Sink

I know the majority of people who know me think I'm loud, sometimes funny, sometimes obnoxious, some have said strong, some have said fierce. One has said resilient. I like that one best. The funny thing is I don't really think I'm any of those, except the resilient one. I'm Teflon, for sure. All the women in my family had to be. You take what they slap you in the face with and you figure out how to use it to make a meal for 5.

For a long time, I was like that. I remember this boy from Arkansas Governor's School - Roger, I think his name was. I'm FBed with him, but I can't remember his name right now (damn class 2 drugs...). Anyway, I had this horrrrrible crush on him and anything he said to me, I mentally tattooed on my brain for reference later. He was wonderful and funny, so it's not like this was misplaced "love". Anyway, he one time said he noticed that when I took the stairs coming down, I always jumped and hopped to miss the last one or two steps, like I was excited and bouncy. I liked that image of me, even though it was disjointed and all together wrong. But I liked it and I wanted to be it.

The funny thing was I actually wanted to be like those misunderstood girls I read about or saw on tv, the ones that are mysterious because they hardly talk and when they do it's something terribly deep. This was not a reality at 16 for me. I ran my mouth like a lawnmower. I was always memorizing really good comics' bits to redo in front of other people, inserting my own patter so I could be entertaining, because I truly felt that was my unofficial job. I must entertain.

When I was in grade school, I wasn't always like that. I remember auditioning for this little 6th grade play some of the guys in our class had written based on a Shakespearean play (no, they are not the ones that started that trend in Hollywood). In my head, I knew how every single line needed to be read. I could see them clearly and knew how to move, how to gesture, everything. When it came time for my turn, I barely mumbled my lines. I was lucky I even got a speaking part. I had two lines, neither of which was worth remembering or repeating.

Somewhere along the line, I let go of whatever stone was in front of my mouth. I let everything go. I wasn't always rude. I just wasn't always overly polite. I didn't ask permission to give my opinion, which apparently is a huge no-no in the South, and particularly for women. I pretty much assumed that because it was funny, people would listen to what I'd say. And they did. Of course, some people held it against me and I'd suffer later.

Lately, I've been more withdrawn. Maybe it's because I barely speak to anyone during the day at my job. I don't really have to. I already hate talking on the phone, so this is just one step farther. Text messaging for someone like me is fantastic. I don't even have to acknowledge I've seen it. Who would know, seriously?

A couple of weeks ago, something odd happened. I went to a party for a friend. I knew only the person who invited me and one other person. I had just come from a rehearsal, so the songs we practiced were in my head and I hummed or sang parts of them throughout the day, not during anything important, but still. A few days later, my husband asks me if I'm okay. I kind of feel around my arms, legs, belly. Yes, I'm okay. Well, he says, he's heard from someone that they're concerned about me because I wasn't acting my normal self. One person had commented that it appeared like I was on drugs (I am thank you for noticing.), but I chalked this up to my singing about. In fact, the other person that I knew there had somehow become so angry about something I had done - unbeknownst to me at the time - that she had decided to cut me out of her life partially.

I was, understandably, stunned. No, I take that back. I was pissed. I was. I was pissed that things I had done as myself had been misconstrued, repackaged, and relabelled into something slightly resembling the truth, but not enough to actually be the truth.

Junior high school started seeping in under my door and it made me mad and sickeningly sad all at once. I had another rehearsal just 30 minutes after being told this, and it so wrecked me that I couldn't say hello to many people coming in because I kept bursting into tears.

It's stupid, I know. I had all my limbs. I was employed. I had a great family. There was nothing truly wrong with me. But somehow, my anger balled itself up and produced itself in the form of tears. I was hurt that people were talking behind my back. But I was mostly pissed - and I think I said this out loud, even - that I had grown-up problems to deal with and didn't have this kind of time on this planet to worry about little things like this. And it pissed me off that I didn't.

I was utterly and soberly pissed off that I no longer had the time to worry about petty things. I had my big girl panties on and had to worry about things that removed people from this earth and took others out of their homes. Worry about whether or not someone took your chair just wasn't on my list of luxury worries. And I was pissed that it was on someone else's, that they had taken the time to ensnare me in this type of drama, spin me around, and try to make this thing important.

I want to be truly Buddhist about this. I want to have compassion for these people and chant for them to be enlightened. At the same time, I want to push pins into their tires. That's the bad Buddhist side of me.

I don't wish these people ill; I just wish them better. I don't wish that they only had hard things to deal with, sweeping away the need to focus on the tiny; I just wish they saw the lions at my door and didn't try to distract me with the ants in the sink.




copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I meant it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Different Train Station; Same Baggage

"Get rid of the past. Let it drop on the ground like a bag of rocks." or something to that effect. That's what I heard tonight on the tv show I used to like so much, "The Big C". It's about a woman who goes a little cuckoo at first after learning she has an incurable version of cancer. She does all these crazy things and then tries to not be so crazy.

I started watching because in the beginning; it mimicked so much of what I had felt when all this illness started in my body, or at least when we first figured something wasn't quite right. I remember laying in the hospital bed after six weeks and being told they were going to transfer me to UCLA in Santa Monica and saying something like, "Really? It's that serious?" as though the previous six weeks hadn't clued me into that. I just couldn't fathom that anything I had happening to me physically could be that serious.

But it was/is that serious. A lot of people die from this so quickly they never find out what's wrong with them until the coroner tells their family.

So, tonight, this character starts talking about dropping the past and letting it go and it reminded me of a recent report on NPR about a new procedure they had come up with so that people could forget horrible bits of their lives (rape, abuse, etc. - although, I knew already that if the abuse is bad enough, you don't need no stinkin' laser to help you forget. Your gorgeous brain will do the honors for you.).

Anyway, I though what an awful idea. Sure, it might help you forget some atrocities you saw in Kabul or most of junior high, but didn't it also erase some of the very things that made us who we are at the moment, some years later? Didn't it also put us at risk to have it happen again? Like, if you can't remember the event, can you not remember the person who did whatever to you? And then, what happens when you turn the corner and the dude is there in your face? You don't recognize him so you don't run. But he recognizes you. And you ain't carrying around no sign, lady, saying you paid to ditch these memories...

And what about that book you were going to write about what happened to you, turning yourself into the material of a fictional family? You're not going to write that because you don't remember it now. So what happened, Mr. George Bailey, when you're not there to write that book that some women need to read so they can recognize themselves on the page and finally leave the men who are using their words, fingers, and fists to reshape their insides and outsides? What then?

Sure, I think these scientists have their hearts in the right place. They want to rid us of the pains of these experiences. But when I burned my hand in a fire, I learned not to do it again. Take that away, that memory, and I might do it over and over again, and yet wonder where the first scar came from.

Dropping the baggage of my past, eternally erasing my past to make an exceptionally clean mind... these things I do only if to erase myself, not physically, but mentally. And really, what's the point if I'm truly not here?



copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I meant it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Prisons and Graves

Slowly, pieces of the story are coming into view and falling where they ought. It's a struggle to write, having spent so many years being told over and over not to ever talk about these things, at least, not outside our family. When a girl I hung out with briefly had become witness to the aftermath of a particular struggle, she confronted my mother in front of a lot of my friends, dangerously and recklessly so. I left on the arm of another friend who had been sheltered from any of the true goings-on in our house. My mother caught up to me as we left the building, whispering in my ear, "I told you not to tell anyone. Now look what you've done."

I was often reminded that telling meant breaking up our family, disjointed and fractured as it was. So, I naturally kept quiet. I had seen enough "Burning Bed" movies to know, it don't end so well for the victims who told or fought back. It's either the grave or prison for us. And every day above ground has got to be better than one behind bars.

It's no wonder I struggle now to dig into the garbage of my past. The mess is worse than week-old mayonnaise and over-ripe bananas mixed in with used sick baby diapers, gravied with vomit. But I don't know how else to get close enough to my characters to let them tell the truth.

So, my fingers dig into the mushiness warmth, staining my fingernails and making my gag. But if I pull it back, maybe the characters can breathe long enough to tell the story that prevents one girl from saying "yes" when everyone else knows it'd be better if she ran screaming from the page, yelling, "no!"

This is the ladder, though, that allows me to climb out. If I dig long enough, I can leave myself with enough strength to toddle up and breathe, too. I just have to find a way.






copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I meant it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.

Monday, April 16, 2012

First Day of Rehearsal

I don't know that I've ever been the first on the schedule for a play. Certainly, I've been the first for a read-through, but then everyone is. I think it might have been all the way back to when I was in high school and doing work at school and at the Community Arts Center (which sounds impressive but was really only a few steps up from a double wide mobile home. For a town of 36,000, it was fine... acceptable... okay... disappointing.).

I remember seeing my first play there, first one for me with grown-ups in costumes and not kids in outfits made of pillowcases that there moms threw together the night before. Not our mom, however. She always sewed everything she could. She loved it when the schools sent home patterns (yes, friggin' patterns!) for the moms to sew together for a Christmas play. There was one year and one year only my sisters and I all went to the same school because I was almost 5 years older than my youngest sister. That year, we all had to have angel costumes made and not one of us had a real part, not even Chez, who was considered the most beautiful and who the teachers all tripped over themselves to do things for her. They were horribly simplistic patterns but the material was so good, all of us wore them for years as our pajamas. We were identical except for our heights and the fact I was so dark, I looked like the maid's kid. Eh, it was a running joke. A joke they laughed about, mind you..

Anyway, my first real play to see was at the Community Arts Center. I remember being so dumb about the whole process - where to clap, where to stand - all the little things that show you've been here before and aren't a total ninny, in other words all the little gestures and whatnot we use - yet again - to judge each other by. Anyway, when intermission came scurrying by in "The Glass Menagerie", I thought it was a weird place to end a play. I didn't get it. Of course, I have never seen a play with two acts. I was a kid, for Pete's sake. I never saw plays I wasn't in.

Anyway, I thought about that the other night as we were getting ready to rehearse. About how I went from someone participating by force to someone watching to someone participating by choice. Even that was a bit tempestuous. I started out working backstage, getting yelled at by The Lion in "The Lion in Winter" because he was, in his words, "...in character and you were in my bloody way!"

Um...right....

Then the following year, my sister's boyfriend's older sister was directing "Sleeping Beauty" and asked me to sing for Sleeping Beauty. You read that right. I was to sing for her; not be her. Apparently, the girl cast was beautiful, which I was not, and I could sing my head off, which she could not.

I knew it had to be embarrassing for her, but look, I was the one being forced to be backstage not because I couldn't act but because I wasn't as pretty as she was. Still, she would do weird things onstage to throw everything off. She would speed the song up and make it brighter than necessary, making my haunting version of the song sound like it didn't match. It was just bizarre. I mean, hell, I wasn't the one who gave me this weirdo role. It wasn't my fault I could sing better than her but she could look good in a bathing suit without a cutoff girdle...not that I did that...much.

Who am I kidding, man, I used to wear girdles and tights IN HIGH SCHOOL when they were most certainly NOT in fashion. I used to wear them so tight I got gas and had a glorious muffin top I'd hide with baggy shirts, thereby subtracting the very reason for wearing the gas-inducing girdles. 

Anyway, I knew eventually I'd find my way around the stage. It happened by accident. I was the prop master on my high school's version of "Story Theatre" when the director came to me because a girl in the cast got kicked out of not only the show but also out of school because she'd been drinking. She asked me did I want to take on the part. She said, "I don't even need to wait for an answer, You look like you're jumping out of your skin to take it. It's yours."

I had done other parts in junior high, but this was huge. Huge, huge, huge to me. I got to do something like four or 5 parts because of the way the story was structured, my favorite being The Fisherman's Wife. I don't even remember the story for that scene, I just remember the costume and how my family took incessant pictures of me during the play's short run, every single night.

And I loved that part, I loved being asked. So what if I got it by default. It wasn't going to say that in the programs. So, I acted my friggin fanny off AND still got all the props together, including seven edible mice (Twinkies painted with a gray mixture of food coloring...and on the last night, injected with a syringe with red food coloring into the gooey parts... yes, I am a bit macabre... what of it?).

So, here it is, almost 30 years later, and I'm still doing this. It just felt weird walking into the rehearsal room, just me and John, the director and the stage manager, and starting to talk about the characters we were going to dig our fingers into and mold. I could almost hear Norma Desmond voice from the empty piano room beginning, "I don't know why I'm frightened. I know my way around here...." But, it felt good. So good, I think I'll go back.



We are currently in rehearsal for "Oliver!", directed by the British National Theatre Company of America and produced by Super Summer Theatre. This will be at Spring Mountain Ranch Wednesdays - Saturdays beginning July 11-28, 2012. More information at http://www.supersummertheatre.org/.




copyright - All rights to the work posted on this site are retained by Cass Van Gelder. If you'd like to use some of my work, please ask. To do so, the permissions must be spelled out in writing...from me...I meant it. I have mean cats; don't make me use them.